I’m not as young as I used to be. As obvious as that is, I feel it today. I think there are several things that have conspired to put me in this mood.
Football: Look, as an American male I am duty bound to love this game and I do. I used to play in the halcyon days of high-school. It is obvious now that I don’t anymore. Also I went “oh-for” in my fantasy leagues. I got to watch my beloved Cowboys, who I have suffered with since Stabauch and Golden Richards, loose to the Giants. The pain of it. And I went OH-FOR in fantasy football.
It seemed I had a good plan for this week. I was favored in every game. But the fates were cruel and I suffered from under-performance by far too many of my key players. Under-performance, oh-for, pain, loss. . .
Literature: I am reading an interesting book, The Broken Kings. It is the pre-story of Merlin mixed in with Jason and the Argo. I’m about halfway through and Holdstock makes a point in character about Jason. Jason is a greedy jealous rash horrible man who is trying to make his mark. Merlin on the other-hand is more like me, he is cautious, careful, over-thinks. My point is (and what I got from Holdstock) is that Jason makes his mark because he is obsessed with doing so. I think later on in the book we will see how or when or why Merlin is finally driven to the sort of obsession that makes a mark.
Life: I’ve made no marks. I think this (doing this blog thing) is very much a desperate attempt to make a mark. And since I desire, and am selfish, and have had a bad week of fantasy football, and realize that I can not make a mark on the field if I ever could, didn’t. I am feeling pressure to make a mark, to do. I have a deep desire bordering on the obsessive to HAVE DONE. It is not the writing it is the have written. Horrible grammar but perhaps you take my meaning.
Therefore, needing to, I will begin the desperate attempt to complete a novel here on these pages. I fully realize that this will make me no money as I’ve heard publication on the web is death, but frankly I’m not sure I’m that good. I need to make a mark and improve. Why hold back?
No reason I can think of now. Tonight then, I will think about what to do about running backs in all my leagues, I will think about who to start at receiver and in one case quarterback, and I will decide what story will give voice to my obsession to have written.